Did you miss me?

No?

That’s fine.  Really, it is.

I didn’t tell many people that, over the long weekend, The Desperate Five made a strategic strike at San Francisco to celebrate Granddad’s 70th birthday with a grand total of 14 extended family members, seven of which were children.

Good times.

The best of times.

After that whirlwind trip, I am heady with blog fodder, friends.

But since I am currently up to my waist in catch-up laundry, all I have for you today is a hodgepodge of thoughts that I tend to ponder while in-flight. Things that would not normally cross my mind but come to me as epiphanies once the cabin has been pressurized and it is permissible to use approved electronic devices.

Enjoy.

 

(1)  I really, really love the bathroom in my home.  The one with the double sinks and the little switch that, when flipped, provides immediate air circulation.  The one that I don’t have to wait in line to use.  Or feel compelled to make awkward chit-chat with starched uniformed individuals seated at either side of the door while I wait.

(2)  Addendum to (1):  The Mile High Club has got to be an urban myth.  Ew and ew.

(3)  I need a subscription to US Weekly.  Mostly for the clutch gossip updates with which I am completely fascinated at 30,000 feet.  But also to get to the bottom of the burning, age-old question:  “Is it U.S. Weekly?  As in The United States Weekly? Or Us Weekly?  As in You-and-I-Weekly?”

(4)  Thanks to SkyMall Magazine, it has become crystal clear to me that I need a Make-Your-Own Truffle Kit.  Which I will use while sporting the Kimono Inspired Lingerie Cover-Up that I also suddenly and inexplicably must have.

(5)  I miss in-flight meals served in compartmentalized trays.  With hygenic plastic wrap covering each teeny tiny compartment until I am ready to eat it.

(6)  Addendum to  (5)  1.5 ounces of peanuts in a plastic vacuum-packed envelope is a precious commodity that can feed me and The Cherubs for the duration of a 4.5 hour flight, if necessary.

(7) Addendum to (5) and (6) Cheap wine drunk out of a plastic cup while experiencing mild to moderate turbulence is a luxury that should be relished and savored.

(8)  I will never, ever again take my land-based Internet connection for granted.

(9)  Or my right to close a window at will.

(10) That child three rows ahead pitching a hissyfit is an undisciplined little brute who must be silenced.  STAT.  My own child pitching a hissyfit next to me because I will not permit him to order a third round of Sprite is an inconvenience with which my fellow passengers must deal.  I am following through on consequences here, ForPete’sSake.  Sheesh.

(11)  The portable DVD player is the most blessed, awe-inspiring invention of the century.  The Nintendo DS is the second runner-up, should the portable DVD player be incapable of fulfilling its first place duties.

(12) That mythical woman that my girlfriend told me about?  The one who informed her daughter of three years that  all in-flight conversation was strictly prohibited?  The one who I thought was narcissistic, evil, and a terrible mother at the time?  Is a genius whose hand I would like to shake.

Tell me you’ve never had any of these thoughts.  Or enlighten me with another one that you have had.  I need intelligent conversation as I fold load #8 of catch-up laundry.